Resolving conflicts in relationships peacefully

For many people, relationship conflicts are the most stressful type of conflict. Simply because there are so many emotions involved. At the same time, conflicts – whether in a romantic relationship or elsewhere – are unavoidable. This makes it all the more important to be able to resolve relationship conflicts constructively and peacefully without it coming to a big bang.

The wonderful thing about a genuine conflict resolution – as opposed to a half-baked compromise – is that it can actually strengthen your relationship. Because if you manage to find a solution at eye level that both parties are honestly satisfied with, both parties feel valued, understood and accepted. There are only winners and no losers.

Smouldering arguments, on the other hand, are like poison for a relationship: every discussion on the subject that ends without a solution deepens the feeling of “not being seen” for both of you, and the resulting rift between you.

So how can you resolve relationship conflicts peacefully? Here are 3 tips for you:

Resolve relationship conflicts with these 3 tips

While you are reading these 3 tips, think about: Which points do you feel you need to catch up on? How could you personally apply these tips to resolve your next dispute constructively?

Tip 1: Remove the sentence “If you really love me, then…” from your vocabulary

Giving your partner the choice of “Do you love me and do what I want” or “You don’t love me and our relationship is basically over” is simply unfair and creates a lot of pressure. Because your partner also has their own needs that don’t seem to be compatible with yours at the moment – that’s why the argument started.

But the needs of the other person also need to be respected and honored. After all, everyone wants the best for both of them, right?

People often resort to this phrase out of necessity when they have already tried everything to convey to their partner how important the topic is to them – but nothing has worked. Unfortunately, this sentence only creates more pressure: after all, you’re implying that your partner doesn’t feel love for you. And that hurts.

The fact that your partner has not yet understood how important a topic really is to you shows that there are still gaps in your communication. The strong feelings behind a topic are often not immediately apparent to the other person.

Example: You’re annoyed because your partner hasn’t done the dishes again. Your partner doesn’t understand why this upsets you so much (“You can leave that bit of washing up for an extra day!”). But it’s not actually the dirty dishes that upset you. It’s the fact that you can’t rely on your partner.

But how can you make sure your partner really understands you? Find out in the next tip:

Tip 2: Create clarity, go inside yourself

“Why are you getting so upset?”
“I don’t know, I’m just so annoyed!”

Do you know this? We are often not even aware of why we are so annoyed about something or our behavior. The problem with this is that if we can’t name our own feelings and motives deep down, we can’t express them – and therefore can’t communicate to our partner why we are so keen to find a solution to a particular problem.

So the next time you feel angry, look inside yourself and try to find out what feelings, fears and worries are really behind it. Often it’s things like:

  • I don’t feel valued
  • I don’t feel loved
  • I want to be able to rely on you and trust you
  • I have the feeling that I am not allowed to make mistakes
  • I have the feeling I can never please you

Once you are aware of this, you can communicate it to your partner in exactly the same way. And, believe me:

A “Darling, I see you haven’t done the dishes again. It’s important to me that you do it, and not because the dishes couldn’t sit there for another day. But because it shows me that I can’t rely on your word, and that makes me sad.”

…meets with more understanding than a…

“Why haven’t you done the dishes again, are you kidding me?”

Right? 😉

Tip 3: Talk, talk, talk

Finally, it is of course important that you not only realize the underlying feelings of a conflict yourself – but also communicate them to your partner. This requires a great deal of courage as well as mutual trust.

Only by talking to each other openly, honestly and sincerely can you develop an understanding of each other’s feelings and point of view. And mutual understanding, in turn, is the prerequisite for finding a solution that satisfies both sides.

With the right communication, conflict issues can often be resolved before a dispute even begins to brew.

About the author

Tara Hanke is a resilience trainer and relaxation coach. On the traincomed.de blog, she writes on topics such as conflict management, mediation, stress reduction and more. Traincomed.de offers conflict management seminars and de-escalation training in the Rosenheim and Bad Aibling Coaching to.